it’s torture knowing that if we would have met now—we would have been so happy. together.

4 months.

After Kyle I decided I needed to calm down. I fucked 9 guys last year & that’s a touch too many.I went out with a bang literally and figuratively  I have had 46 offers for sex since then—all of which I have turned down. My $130 vibrator and I are never parted so I can keep a lid on the volcano between my legs. 

  • Graham asked me after I gave him a sloppy blow job in the laundry room of a party. He still calls after dark.
  • David took me to Baltimore for new years and treated me like a queen but he wanted something in return.
  • Danced the night away at a college near by and was ployed with offers of beer, xbox, water beds, and hard cocks.
  • Conan checks me out daily and has no courage unless he’s half a bottle gone.
  • Sid hollers at me from down the hall. If he had the balls to come into my room he may have gotten lucky.

4 months without sex & i’m beginning to feel like the Kalahari.


harstad boys have better dicks but i get to mind fuck the college ones so it’s a little more entertaining.

fucking you is like fucking a porn star.

#10 (via veluotte)



I am so lost and heartbroken and doubtful. I am trying to find solace in a place where it cannot be found. My ethics teacher speaks of something called eudaemonia but it seems so far off and if anything unattainable. I try to find it in sex and I try to find it in being worth something because i’m beautiful not because i’m smart, kind, and understanding. every mistep takes me farther and farther away from happiness. I can’t seem to choose the right path or even the right people. This boy took a chance on me and I think I messed it up. Hoping for acceptance or even love. I am convinced that in this shape I will never find it and I will never know what it is like to be loved in a way that didn’t start as sex or lust. I have slept with 8 people in the last 9 months. I have slept with 2 in the last 3 weeks. I can’t decide whether to be proud because in some way that proves that i’m desirable but does it? Does it not just prove that I can shake my hips and say the right things? I can never decide what men want from me. Do they want the carefree girl that strolls into their bed whenever they desire or the girl that make everything better? All I could ever ask for is to be both but how do I convey the second without showing the other side. I have been told I have this aura that is inherently sexual. Can I make it go away? Can I heal from the emotional strain it has put on me? Jackson was the last one to do it but there will be others. I just want a map that can show me what I should do to be who I want to be. Who do I want to be? Hell if I know. I feel so powerful as the vixen, the mother, the desired, the hated, the strained, the lonely, and even the golden child. I have been nothing but hated and envied since I was young. I could never tell you what is best for me or for the people around me. I just want to escape again because I certainly didn’t get this right. I have never been in this much pain. At least people still think I’m beautiful.


Holy Jesus. We fucked in the 4th floor study room on pretty much every surface and defiled the stairs on every level.