After Kyle I decided I needed to calm down. I fucked 9 guys last year & that’s a touch too many.I went out with a bang literally and figuratively I have had 46 offers for sex since then—all of which I have turned down. My $130 vibrator and I are never parted so I can keep a lid on the volcano between my legs.
- Graham asked me after I gave him a sloppy blow job in the laundry room of a party. He still calls after dark.
- David took me to Baltimore for new years and treated me like a queen but he wanted something in return.
- Danced the night away at a college near by and was ployed with offers of beer, xbox, water beds, and hard cocks.
- Conan checks me out daily and has no courage unless he’s half a bottle gone.
- Sid hollers at me from down the hall. If he had the balls to come into my room he may have gotten lucky.
4 months without sex & i’m beginning to feel like the Kalahari.
I am so lost and heartbroken and doubtful. I am trying to find solace in a place where it cannot be found. My ethics teacher speaks of something called eudaemonia but it seems so far off and if anything unattainable. I try to find it in sex and I try to find it in being worth something because i’m beautiful not because i’m smart, kind, and understanding. every mistep takes me farther and farther away from happiness. I can’t seem to choose the right path or even the right people. This boy took a chance on me and I think I messed it up. Hoping for acceptance or even love. I am convinced that in this shape I will never find it and I will never know what it is like to be loved in a way that didn’t start as sex or lust. I have slept with 8 people in the last 9 months. I have slept with 2 in the last 3 weeks. I can’t decide whether to be proud because in some way that proves that i’m desirable but does it? Does it not just prove that I can shake my hips and say the right things? I can never decide what men want from me. Do they want the carefree girl that strolls into their bed whenever they desire or the girl that make everything better? All I could ever ask for is to be both but how do I convey the second without showing the other side. I have been told I have this aura that is inherently sexual. Can I make it go away? Can I heal from the emotional strain it has put on me? Jackson was the last one to do it but there will be others. I just want a map that can show me what I should do to be who I want to be. Who do I want to be? Hell if I know. I feel so powerful as the vixen, the mother, the desired, the hated, the strained, the lonely, and even the golden child. I have been nothing but hated and envied since I was young. I could never tell you what is best for me or for the people around me. I just want to escape again because I certainly didn’t get this right. I have never been in this much pain. At least people still think I’m beautiful.